What to do? I'm in love with my friend.

by Jonathan
(maryland)

Hi,

I'm a 21 year old male who met a 19 years old girl i would say 5 years ago, lets say back in high school. We started to be friends and i started to like her 3 years later. My feelings were so intense i could not keep it to myself anymore. So,I let her know even though i was shy.

She told me she did not like me but wanted us to be friends because she had a boyfriend. I told her i wanted to be by myself, needed time for myself, time to clean up these feelings and be back to the friendship stage. She said she understood, but never left me alone. She called almost everyday, wanted to know more about me. She also called me when she needed something, she always wanted me to be by her side when she wanted to go out, watch a movie, even do her homework or be with her friends.

Today, i still love her. She didn't give me the time i needed for us to be back to the friendship level. She told me 9 months ago that she broke up with her boyfriend which i don't care about anymore. The point is before they broke up she always wanted me by her side instead of her boyfriend and now it's worse. We are much more into each other than ever before. We share and confide in each other. We know each other much more than our parents do.

She also plays "i don't care, go for her if you like her" when she sees me around a girl or realizes i might be interested in another girl. while i can feel her in pain. I sometimes think it is time to let her know i love her but change my mind later on, fear of another "bad news".

Many boys in her company make me feel as i was competing with them to win the same prize, but i hate competition and she knows it. She keeps telling me they are just friend while i know very well one of them wants her so badly and that always cools me off and make me wonder if i should tell her i love her or back up and let her find another guy and just be friend with her. I really need help because I'm totally confused.

Answer:

I don't blame you for being confused, Jonathan. As you've described, when you develop feelings for a close friend, you're forced into a difficult situation. Here's my two cents though...

You've already told her how you feel once, and she shot you down. Nevertheless, she probably knows how you feel about her. If you tell her that you love her, and she reacts the same way that she did the first time, you're going to be in the same crappy limbo situation you've been in for a while now.

Now, from what you've said, I think she probably likes you quite a bit. But, even she may not realize how much she likes you. You need to make her realize. Here's what you do.

Keep being friends with her, but stop doing anything that could be interpreted by her as a display of romantic feelings. Instead, actually go out with one of those other girls that have shown an interest in you. If you start spending some of the time that you would have normally spent with your "friend", with another girl, your friend will take note, and may start to realize how valuable you are, and how much you mean to her.

Hopefully, she'll realize that she wants to be in a relationship with you, because that is the only way for her to guarantee the great time she spends with you, and the unique interaction she gets from you. (that's the point of a relationship, to guarantee these things) Right now, you're giving her all that stuff for free, and there is no real threat to her losing it.

So, start directing your attention towards another girl, and begin spending less time with your friend. If she really does love you, she'll come after you, and you'll live happily ever after. If not, you will have taken the time away from her that you need to actually be a good friend, instead of a secretly infatuated friend.

Does this make sense? Use the comments section of this thread to ask any follow-up questions you might have.

Good Luck.


Michael B. Editor, CDI