The disgrace

by Sofia
(USA)

I feel like crap I feel like I've lost myself in myself. I feel like death Im trying to hold on but I can't anymore. I'm  weak and I can hardly breath I'm not strong enough. I have been lieing to myself all along I had been telling myself that I was strong while I am the weakest of them all. I wanna keep going but I see only one color:black. I wanna talk to all the people I let go, all of the people I dissapointed, all of the people I gave up on. I wanna be myself but I can't I don't make my own choices anymore they just happen. I wanna start over I wanna forget my past. I've fallen so many times, too many times. I can't get back up. I can't please anyone anymore not even myself. I wanna breath but it hurts it hurts to live. Crying is my only friend, it lets me know I'm alive. It's also my only enemy, I never cry for happiness. All crying does is make me weaker and weaker Emptier and emptier. Somehow it still fills me it satisfys me. Even if it tears me up. I wanna sleep for weeks and live in dreams and live in peace but that would be a fairytale ;impossible, unrealistic, too good to be true. I'm a zoombie. I can't walk, I float, I'm not whole not even close. Im disinergrating piece by piece with no one even notceing. My body is rotten like I have been cheating myself; I have. This is just the beginning of my life but I think its tge the end. I need a friend, but all that I had I lost. I'm one of those idiots that just watches and doesn't do anything, I can't. People over estimate me they expect more of me thinking that I'm special that I'm talented. I wish I was invisible so that no one could see me no one could ask me anything. No one could hit me no one could touch me, I would be nothing nothing at all. No one could see me crying, my eyes swollen. No one could see my scares nor what I was like. I don't even know what I'm like. I only know two things; I don't deserve life I don't deserve anything. I'm not special if anything I'm less than that I'm the worst out of anyone, anything. 
I don't deserve a kiss I don't deserve what I have I don't want any of it none of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't like what I have I'm not happy with myself!!!!!!!!!! I don't like myself I don't like a single thing about myself!!!!!!!!!!! I just wanna get better but I will never get better I will be sick forever even after I die I will be sick. I wish that when I die I am forgotten, forgotten, forgotten, forgotten for ever, never remembered just a dark shadow that will be unknown for the rest of eternity. I love God and I thank him for everything he has given me. I do not blame him for my troubles but myself I have done this to myself. I have chosen to I feel like crap I feel like I've lost myself in myself. I feel like death Im trying to hold on but I can't anymore. I'm  weak and I can hardly breath I'm not strong enough. I have been lieing to myself all along I had been telling myself that I was strong while I am the weakest of them all. I wanna keep going but I see only one color:black. I wanna talk to all the people I let go, all of the people I dissapointed, all of the people I gave up on. I wanna be myself but I can't I don't make my own choices anymore they just happen. I wanna start over I wanna forget my past. I've fallen so many times, too many times. I can't get back up. I can't please anyone anymore not even myself. I wanna breath but it hurts it hurts to live. Crying is my only friend, it lets me know I'm alive. It's also my only enemy, I never cry for happiness. All crying does is make me weaker and weaker Emptier and emptier. Somehow it still fills me it satisfys me. Even if it tears me up. I wanna sleep for weeks and live in dreams and live in peace but that would be a fairytale ;impossible, unrealistic, too good to be true. I'm a zoombie. I can't walk, I float, I'm not whole not even close. Im disinergrating piece by piece with no one even notceing. My body is rotten like I have been cheating myself; I have. This is just the beginning of my life but I think its tge the end. I need a friend, but all that I had I lost. All that I needed, I let slip by me. I couldn't make him stay and even if he wanted to, he couldn't. It feels like just yesterday he left me without me saying a small good-bye. I'm one of those idiots that just watches and doesn't do anything, I can't. People over estimate me they expect more of me thinking that I'm special that I'm talented. I act like I'm athletic but I can't win anything for my life. I wish I was invisible so that no one could see me no one could ask me anything. No one could hit me no one could touch me, I would be nothing nothing at all. No one could see me crying, my eyes swollen. No one could see my scares nor what I was like. I don't even know what I'm like. I only know two things; I don't deserve life I don't deserve anything. I'm not special if anything I'm less than that I'm the worst out of anyone, anything. 

I I don't like what I have I'm not happy with myself! I don't like myself I don't like a single thing about myself! I just wanna get better but I will never get better I will be sick forever even after I die.
I do not blame God for my troubles but myself I have done this to myself. I have chosen to hate myself I have chosen to want to be forgotten I have chosen to be a disgrace this was all me.   myself I have chosen to want to be forgotten I have chosen to be a disgrace this was all me.