Problems with getting the relationship started!
by Isaac
(Johannesburg, South Africa)
Dear Sir/Madam,
First, I'd like to thank you for your assistance. It's a privilege for me to be asking this question. All my life I have dated only one woman. She was older than me by 3 years, it all ended well. No hard feelings!
My name is Isaac. I just turned 29 years old on the 1st of December 2009. I was looking for a girl I could start a relationship with that could lead ultimately to marriage. So I've decided to date online. On my birthday last month, I met this girl on the Internet, through paid services of an online dating website. She just turned 21 years on the 5th of November.
Initially when she received my message on my birthday, she said with "Happy birthday", and said sorry for being one day late with the congratulations. She said she was looking forward to reading my next email, which I promised I would send to her one day after New Year's eve?
I must say I wrote a lot of details about myself and what I wanted for my life and the type of person I wanted to be involved with. Maybe it overwhelmed her? I don?t know?
She responded
Her Letter 2:
And you know Isaac; it makes me feel good to know that we dream of the same things. what is the only thing you can't tolerate in a person, I replied dishonesty...
My letter 2:
Was a typical long letter also. I answered her questions.
Then I asked: How she would feel If anyone on the dating website would date more than one woman or man at the same time?
Her Letter 3:
It would make her feel terrible if she knew that. I was meeting someone else and comparing her to some other woman, but it was up to me. how do I feel about it? She asked?
My letter 3:
I told her in many words that I preferred to focus on one person at a time.
Her letter 4:
Boom! she says...
She is not ready to say that I am "the one"
If she likes a person, she doesn't want to stop corresponding with others.
She feels like she needs to correspond with other men.
After these three correspondences, she feels that I am not the right type for her. She doesn't want to waste my time. She says if I want I can stop my correspondence with her...
My letter 4:
I respect your decision. But I tell her it's too early to decide. I will continue my correspondence...
Her letter 5:
She writes this, her very own words:
Thank you for your reply.
I told you in my last letter and I would like to tell you again that I find you a very worthy man. You are faithful and honest, you are brave, you are able to protect a woman if she needs it. And also you are very understanding. You deserve as much as anyone to find your true love, the woman who will appreciate all your advantages and who will love you!
My letter 5:
I ask her some questions. the reasons? She becomes defensive. Oh she just doesn't want to waste my time.
Her letter 6:
I said so quickly because I tried to be honest. I felt that it's not exactly what I was looking for and decided to tell you right away. Do you think that it would be better if I kept writing more and more and after not 3 but 20 e-mails I told you that we have no chance?
I think that thanks to your letters I got to know you a little better. We could be friends in everyday life, but it's not enough to start a serious relationship.
I am sorry; I didn't want to hurt your feelings. We can correspond like friends if you want it, but I am not sure if friendship is all that you want.
So I wish you to find your woman.
My letter 6:
..blah?blah?blah?.I accept everything
Her letter 7:
She has written something I haven?t read it yet, she continues corresponding with me?
My letter 7:
What should I tell her? That's the reason I m sending you this message. How can I manage this small crisis? Please help! Shes young and beautiful, I fit the description of her ideal man. What can I tell her?
Kind regards,
Isaac
Answer
Hi Isaac,
From what I can infer from her e-mails, it seems like you probably should forget about a romantic relationship with this woman. I know it can be difficult to find someone you think is the one, and then have to deal with letting her go. But, you can't correspond with her indefinitely. If she doesn't want the relationship to progress, you're at a dead end.
Now, if you like talking with her, and she continues to send you letters, there is no harm in continuing your exchanges. But, start to communicate with other girls too. You need to cast a wider net.
Plus, if there is any chance of this girl changing her mind about a relationship, it will result not from you doling out complements and writing her lengthy e-mails about how much you think shes the one. Instead, it will come from her thinking that you are desirable because other women want to date you, and because yo are interested in other women.
Does this make sense?
Whether or not her letter was cold or flirty, start looking towards other women. Only positive things can happen.
Best of luck.
Editor, CDI
