Is my husband mentally abusing me?

by Tanya
(Chicago IL)

I have been with my husband for 17 years, only been married 9.5 years. We have boy/girl twins that just turned 4 yrs old that was conceived through IVF. Things were ok up until I lost my job in August 2007. When I lost my job he told me I messed up our kids future, we are going to lose the house, & he wanted a divorce.

Then he didn't talk to me for a longtime & hid in the bedroom by himself ignoring me & the kids. If I tried to talk to him it would make things worse & the name calling would start. He has called me every name in the book, tried kicking me out of the house, said I disgusted him.

In the meantime while this was going on I started to abuse my Vicodin as a way to escape. This abuse lasted 6 months before I went and got help. I have now been clean for 1.5 years. In December of 2008 we decided to reconcile.

He didn't want to go to relationship counseling saying that we would just put the past behind us & move forward. Not even 1 month later the pharmacy called about a script I dropped off. He accused me of doing something wrong and gave me the silent treatment for 3 months. Started talking again as if nothing ever happened.

Mail comes there is an EOB from the insurance company and he starts yelling at me that I got surgery and didn't tell him. Turns out the EOB was for him for having a skin tag removed. He never apologized for anything. For the last 10 months he has falsely accused me of doing something without giving me a chance to speak. He accuses me then I get the silent treatment as he sits around the housing sulking.

In the last 2 years 2 months we had physical contact once that lasted about a week. If I try to tell him he is wrong he says well you're an addict what do you expect?




Answer:

Hi Tanya,

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. Trying to live with an abusive husband is an incredibly hard thing to deal with.

You need to tell him the ways in which you need him to change, and tell him that if he doesn't change, you'll have to get a divorce. I know even the possibility of divorce is awful to think about, but you can't go on living with a guy who treats you and the kids that way.

So, tell him he has to be more present, considerate, and communicative with you and the kids. The threat of divorce will hopefully spur him to be a better husband. But, if he doesn't change, you really should look into what you'll have to do to leave him.

Good Luck!

Editor, CDI