Do i need to leave this man

by Anonymous

I have been fooling around with this guy for 10 years without a real relationship. I have been pregnant by him but I got an abortion about 8 yrs ago. I am in love with him. I'm scared if I ask for commitment that he will pull away.

I have accepted things as they are for so long I don't know how to change this. I was in a relationship with another guy for 5 years but I never fully loved him because I'm in love with the other man.

He kisses me on my forehead after we make love. I don't want to feel the hurt that rejection brings I have to stop I just don't know how. Do you have any advice for me?



Answer:

Hi there... I'm sorry you're in this situation.

You need to be with someone that will make you happy. That's obvious, but it is still a very difficult thing to force yourself to do. It's especially hard when you love someone who can only make you happy some of the time. So, if commitment is what you need to be happy, you need to request it. Give your guy an ultimatum. Commitment, or you need to move on.

That said, here is how I would protect myself against the pain of possible rejection.

Before you put the relationship on the line, start to become less dependent on this guy. You need to desensitize yourself to some degree. This could mean going out on some dates with other guys, spending more time with your friends, or making new friends...etc. The more you have a "complete" life without this man, the less painful a breakup will be. This way, if he is incapable of committing to you, you can move on more seamlessly and not have huge holes in your life where you'll inevitably just think of him.

Another upside to "the phase out method", as I like to call it, is that if a guy sees a woman becoming less dependent on him, doing her own thing more, often times the guy will stop taking the woman for granted so much, and will become more attracted to her. This will increase your chances of getting the commitment you want when the time comes. Hell, he may even be the one to initiate it, and you won't even have to give the ultimatum.

Give it a shot. I wish you the best of luck.

And feel free to ask additional questions in the comments thread, or let us know how things are working out!