Boyfriend says he cant give 100% to relationship at this time(kind of long)

I recently posted another question on here about my boyfriend's mother having Alzheimers and is not doing very well in her health. His Dad is not in good health either. My boyfriend has 2 other siblings that are involved in this as well.

Before all this happened my boyfriend and I had only been seeing each other for about 3 weeks. We got along perfectly and had decided to see each other exclusively. Then his uncle died and sent his mom over the edge. Up until this time my boyfriend called and texted me several times a day with all the right mushy stuff a girl loves to hear. We spent alot of time with each other until his Mom took a turn for the worse(she was in a semi coma and unresponsive they didnt know if she was going to make it) and he had to leave town to go be with her and also to be with his Dad (they are both in their 80's).

My boyfriend sent me a text saying he hoped I could give him a little time and space so he could spend time with his parents. I completely understood and told him that. I backed off on calling and texting him and only responded after I heard from him because I respected his request to give him a little time and space.

Well things have continued to get worse with his Mom. He has sent me messages saying things are very bad and the messages are far and few in between. The mushy stuff isn't there and I understand that he has enough to deal with right now and I am the last thing he should be thinking or worrying about.

So like I said I backed off on the calling and texting. Well today I sent a message to him because I had not heard anything from him in over 24 hrs which was very unusual. That has never happened. I was very concerned that something had happened with his Mom. He finally sent me a message saying we needed to talk. When he called he said his Mom wasn't doing well and they were going to be moving her to a long term care facility and that his Dad was very close to having a nervous breakdown.

He said as much as he hated to say it he was not able to give our relationship 100% of his time like he did before and that to be fair to me we should take a break from our relationship. He needed to be focused on his parents and didn't have the extra in him to devote 100% into our relationship. He didn't want me to feel like he was using me and that he didn't expect me to wait around for him because he doesn't have any idea when things will get any better and that he will have to stay up there for an indefinite amount of time. (Three hours away).

His main focus needed to be on his family. I said I completely understood that his family needed to come first and I asked if I had been texting or calling to much and he said no that I had been wonderful with all my support. I told him that I would be willing to wait for him and to give him the space he needed because since I met him I have felt that what is between us is and has grown into something very special and I feel that it would be a mistake to throw that away. I asked him if he had felt that way as well or if it was just on my end, and he said he felt the same way.

He said maybe he was wording it all wrong about taking a break in the relationship, he just knows that he needs to focus on his parents at this time and wanted to be fair to me and not tie me down to him by making me wait because he wasn't able to give his all to our relationship. I told him that I cared so much for him and that I wanted to be there for him not just for the good times but the bad as well. He said he wasn't worried about himself he was just worried about his mom and dad and he was so depressed that he didn't have enough in him to give 100% of himself to our relationship like he did before.

He wants to be fair to me, to give me the freedom to go out with other guys....I asked if he wanted me to see other guys and he said no....he just wanted to be fair to me. I asked if he wanted to see anyone else and he said no, no,. I told him I would be willing to wait and that I did not want to date anyone else, that he made me so very happy and that I thought he was a good son for standing by his parents and that I was sure his parents were proud of him for all that he is doing.

He said if I was ok with him not being able to call all the time and text all the time and not know when or how often we would be able to see each other then that would make him happy. He said he didn't think that he would get that kind of response from me and that it was the hardest phone call he has ever had to make. I told him I would be there if he just needed someone to talk to anytime night or day or if he needed to hang out.
He might be coming home this weekend to get some more clothes and things and I asked if I could see him and he said he would like that.

So now I wonder how often should I text? How often should I call? I am in agony worrying about him and I just love to talk to him. I just want him to know I am here for him not just for the good times but to hold him through the bad times as well. I want to be able to convince him that I will be there for him always!! I know sometimes when I text he won't be texting back or it might be days before I talk to him. I don't want to put any pressure on him, he has enough of that already.

Please let me know if I have done the right thing and as to how often I should call, text or both. I don't want to seem pushy but I do want him to know that I think of him all the time and want this to work.




Answer:

Hi again,

You guys are doing all the right things. You're communicating honestly with one another, which is so important in developing a meaningful, lasting relationship. You've been giving him the space he needs and not putting additional pressure on him. That's awesome, because I know it's not easy to do.

At this point, he knows how you feel. And, you know how he feels. This should give you some peace of mind. If he doesn't talk to you as often as you'd want, you can be sure it's not because he is losing interest in you, but because of all the stuff he is dealing with.

As for how much to call and text... He has been honest with you. He can't give 100% right now. It's going to be difficult, but you can't give 100% either. It will make him feel bad if you're putting in more than he can reciprocate. So, read his signals. Try not to communicate more often than he does.

Also, don't freak if you go longer than usual without a conversation or text. It will put less pressure on him if communication isn't a concrete routine. He shouldn't feel like he is letting you down if he misses a day.

One more thing... Don't center all of your conversation around "the relationship", or how much you like him, etc... He needs some distraction from the serious things in life. Every once in a while, text him a funny anecdote from your life, or a joke you heard, etc... In a healthy relationship, you rarely have to talk about the relationship. If you become that person that can cheer him up in these rough times, he'll want you to be that person when life is good.

Regards,

Editor, CDI