All Into One (But It Still Equals None)

by Maria Vieyra
(Kansas City, KS, USA)

I'm sitting here again, diminishing
I'm hoping, or maybe I'm just wishing
That my determination will stay
But things just aren't going my way
I'm a depressive wreck and I just can't get up
Something about me just wants to give up
My heart wants to stop beating
It just can't keep bleeding
My mind wants to keep going, but it's weary
It has grown tired of sadness, tired very
They are ripping me apart, going their own way
But I'm already dying, that's all I've got to say
My heart has stopped beating, it was too weak
Now it's only a matter of time before my mind gets bleak
I don't know why but I'm losing my ability to speak
I can't keep my feelings in, they're beginning to leak
Internally in chaos, I'm losing control
This is just too much pain for my soul
I just can't get up, I just can't do this
I'm not someone important enough to miss
But, honestly, I can't say that because of you
You changed my mind and took off my blindfold too
So now I can see what I'd lose if I left forever
The things I'd never get to do, not ever
But yet this situation is not at it's best
What if I lose it all? Forget the rest?
I won't, there will always be a reason for me to trust
I can't just give up, I've got to keep going, I must
But this is so hard, I can't keep on lying
It's taking me over and I can't keep on smiling
Maybe I'll die or maybe I'll recover
But maybe this is all a cover
To hide the fact that I'm hanging on by a thread
I'm supposed to be on meds, something I've never said
For a psychological disorder that requires 18 yrs of age
But that doesn't matter, because I really am trapped in a cage
I'm trying to get out, so bruised and broken
It's like the past, it's where I'm frozen
I can't keep this up, I've known it all along
I had so many dreams, but I knew they didn't belong
I blinded myself with my future so I wouldn't feel the present
Then it became my past but my life was already bent
Maybe I should speak up... give it one last chance
To make my life steady, to not lose my balance
But I'm still a danger to my own life
Even though I've given up the knife
I've haven't cut with a razor blade
But my will is beginning to fade
I'm going back to my own ways
Punishment for all my days
Thinking about leaving, suicide
Losing my mind, just can't decide
As I was looking through my things I came across
A story, a story of my life written by blood loss
Written in crimson ink, words of pain written in pain
From a cure that proved that I was insane
I came across a piece of my past
The pain always did last
So I'm sitting here again, staring at a container of pills
Wondering just how painlessly it kills
I know I'm not supposed to be thinking
About this but my life keeps sinking
Losing myself in a state of worry
Tears making my vision blurry
I'm going into a coma of sorts, an endless slumber
Drowning in the life I made, I'm going under
And maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and think that
My chances of survival are zero, that they're flat
Or maybe I might not think because I won't wake up
Because I'll have decided that I just can't get up
I probably should not be telling you this
Putting you in a state of worry, not bliss
But I don't know what else to do but tell this to you
Because It would still help if you made that promise too
I know you wouldn't keep it, but I'd pretend
That my last act wouldn't be your end
With that I'd at least leave with a tear and a smile on my face

I'd know I'd be wrong, but maybe I wouldn't feel out of place
I need to know that you'd at least try to keep going without me
That is all I'd need to finally give up, because I can't get up, you see
I'm sitting here listening to my favorite song
One that gave me hope, but it didn't last long
Because now it just hurts me to hear it again
Because the lyrics are no longer possible, to begin
But my mind keeps running, leaving my heart behind
A pulse in my heart is what I'm hoping to find
Something to show me that I'm still alive
Something to show me that I can still thrive
I need to know that I'm not already dead
That I haven't left because I've bled
So much that I lost the life that ran in my veins
There is so much pain and on me it rains
I need a way out of this endless cycle of death
I've got to find a way to stop holding my breath
I've got to stop calculating how I'll die
I've got to stop my life from passing by
I've got to find a beneficial way to cry
Not one that makes me want to forget to try
Something that can let my pain stop forever
Otherwise I won't last, not ever
But what if? What if I can't find my way and decide to leave?
What if I stop hoping? Decide I just can't believe?
I don't need to know that you're there because I already know
I don't need to know that you care, I know it wasn't ever a show
You can't possibly be a better friend than you already are, you see
Now it's up to what I decide to do, now it's up to me
But I'm not good a making decisions, it's very true
But when it all depends on me... who know what I might do?
What will I do when I must decide
Whether or not to end with suicide?
I'm trying so hard to keep up... but I can't forget my past
The times where in life I was never first, but always last
When I was beaten and bruised
Broken and accused
When I was so harshly abused
Yet remained bitterly amused
Because I thought it was love, I thought It was for my own good
I was starved to become stronger, I thought It was all as it should
Be, but I didn't know, I wasn't old enough to understand
I couldn't think, I didn't have an opinion on which to stand
My parents fought with such rage, my brother and I would hide
We didn't have anywhere to run, in no one to confide
But somehow survival was on our side
Our lives were okay as long as we lied
But anyways, my past isn't something that has to be told
It is just a thing I must live with, a memory become cold
One that will remain forever, it can't be sold
I can't put my life on rewind or put it on hold
It's something i've got to learn to forget if I want to get anywhere
Maybe it's just causing me pain, but life isn't fair
Pain is within me, let's see if I'll withstand it
Maybe I'll get by, bit by bit
Or maybe I won't live to see the next day
Because of a death I could not delay
But please don't expect me to give you my sorrow
Because you just keep it, and my mind isn't that hollow
I would never give you the pain you don't deserve because It's mine
If I'm in pain I'll have to deal with it, somehow forget it 'till I'm fine
So anyways, this poem is becoming my life, so it must end
Maybe tomorrow my future will bend and my past will mend...